isang journal

Falling Star

Essay

The numbness inside that one feels after weeping is one of the things I am addicted right now. Although it will make you feel numb for the love from others, it can still make that pain in your heart finally sleep. After all, at this moment, it is not love that I want but just a break from all these things. Crying simply makes me feel anew, like the tears my eyes have shed cleanse my whole spirit.

Now I am feeling light and my body feels lifting toward the clouds. Gravity cannot stop me now. This intoxication is a numb happiness away from my problem, or what used to be my problem. I feel like a new person who has survived a great war now. Although this new peace cannot heal my shell shocked heart, at least the battle is over. None of us won in that war and what I value now is not victory but rest.

Sooner or later, the moment of losing this lightness will come back. Gravity will pull me and I will once again fall from the sky, fall away from my place in the dead stars.

And when I am about to hit the hard ground and die, I will close my eyes, smile, and say, “Finally.”