Strings
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Closure can be a little scary. You just end it there. You are no longer affected by your broken hearted song playlist. You are no longer having hopes that things will get better tomorrow. You accept that it is over and end it. You end it. Period.
Like my relationship with the others. My friends. My ex. Myself. I all end it. I am no longer affected by the guilt of my past. I am no longer having this idea that someday things will get better with these relationships. I all end it.
And by doing that, I free myself from these strings. It is the concept that people are interconnected with each other through with these invisible strings. It’s like a web. My goal is not to abruptly remove myself from this web, for it will create a massive disturbia with the people around me, but rather just slowly slip away so that they will never notice that I evaporate and disappear from this world. From my life.
It is a freedom. These strings keep pulling me back to the ground whenever I plan to leave. But now, I end it. A wonderful closure.
Although it can be painful at some time, like on how I let the hunger for intimacy be lost in me. I stop myself from having this wild dreams about romantic relationships and the like. It is letting the need within you famish. I tell myself whenever I’m falling to be with someone, “My future is no more. I will be leaving soon.” There is no point in building another relationship when you are about to leave, right?
Maybe this is a selfish act but I just want to rest now and let go. I’m too tired with all of this. The stings itself break from all the pressure from the very start and I’m just here cutting what is left.
I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.
Falling Star
Essay
The numbness inside that one feels after weeping is one of the things I am addicted right now. Although it will make you feel numb for the love from others, it can still make that pain in your heart finally sleep. After all, at this moment, it is not love that I want but just a break from all these things. Crying simply makes me feel anew, like the tears my eyes have shed cleanse my whole spirit.
Now I am feeling light and my body feels lifting toward the clouds. Gravity cannot stop me now. This intoxication is a numb happiness away from my problem, or what used to be my problem. I feel like a new person who has survived a great war now. Although this new peace cannot heal my shell shocked heart, at least the battle is over. None of us won in that war and what I value now is not victory but rest.
Sooner or later, the moment of losing this lightness will come back. Gravity will pull me and I will once again fall from the sky, fall away from my place in the dead stars.
And when I am about to hit the hard ground and die, I will close my eyes, smile, and say, “Finally.”
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excl
- used to express a range of emotions including surprise, disappointment, or joy
- I’m hurt.
deteriorate
vb.
- become progressively worse
- Day by day she loses the ability to stand, to talk, and soon, to live.
one-sided
adj.
- having all the effort coming from one member of the relationship
- The feeling isn’t mutual and it’s hard to row the lover’s boat all by myself for the whole time.
love
vb.
- to like or desire someone actively by appreciating their goodness
- I love you not because I fall for you but because I choose to love you.
love
n.
- the result of deeply appreciation of someone
- a feeling of strong and long affection for a person
- You are not my sweetest downfall but rather my saving grace.
enraged
adj.
- furious
- Bitch, he’s mine.
hug
vb.
- to hold someone tightly in one’s arms,usually to express affection
- I want to be with you so I will cage you with my arms and pull you close to my chest–my heart.